When Meagan’s secret
is found out, and she realizes there is no way to outrun her habit of cutting,
she tries to work through it, and her depression, before she cuts too deep,
making a mistake that can never be undone.
Meagan is introduced
as a typical adolescent who struggles throughout her teen years. Though she has
problems, like any other teenager, hers are worse. They've pulled her down into
the depths of a depression that is anything but normal.
She begins her pattern
of self-harm as her depression threatens to drown her. She starts with one cut
following a discovery of the behavior from another friend. After starting it is
apparent that there's no stopping, and Meagan spirals into a dark and cruel
world she doesn't understand. Meagan cuts to feel better, but that comfort
doesn't last long enough, and soon life is worse than it ever was before.
While learning to quit
cutting Meagan faces life-altering obstacles and grows up in the process.
IN THE REARVIEW is a
story of pain, loss, confusion, and hope told through Meagan’s poems, journal
entries, and a splash of narrative.
Author:
Maria Green currently
lives in Minnesota, despite its bitter winters, with her husband. She graduated
with a degree in Psychology and a minor in English. When she isn’t writing,
Maria loves to read with a cup of strong coffee or a glass of sweet wine,
craft, and spend time with her family. This is her first published novel.
Excerpt:
Chapter One
This is me
As her chin dipped
down, and she noticed the soft raised skin, her heart skipped a beat. Meagan
hated that an accidental glimpse still shot anxiety through her like knives.
Her stomach could drop to her feet while her heart raced, all from just seeing
a part of herself. It was a stupid reaction Meagan didn’t often have, but when
she was already nervous about judgment it was inevitable.
She hoped against hope
it wouldn’t always be that way.
Meagan was strong, she
wasn’t a kid anymore, and she loved herself. It was stupid to feel such turmoil
over something that was so far in the past. And it was truly overcome. But the
visual, the tangible marker she could touch, the fact that her skin was marked
and different forever, that’s what sent her nerves into overdrive every once in
a while.
Even after all this
time, it could still catch her off guard. After everything, as much as it
represented her strength, it also represented the wastelands of hurt she had
waded through; she tried to remember that some badges of honor weren't pretty.
And hers were small enough. But just like her past, they would never go away.
Life didn’t have rewind or pause buttons. There weren’t real un-dos or re-dos.
Life only had the present, the here and now, and it only had a play button.
She wished so often
the tiny pink reminders were easier to hide. Though they didn’t stand out too
much, their placement was inconvenient. If she could take them off, she would
consider it, because she always had her memories and the lessons she'd learned.
There were little pink reminders inside her head as well. Those could never be
removed. The rest, even if they were badges of honor, weren’t as necessary
anymore.
She would always
remember.
It sounded shaming, to
want to hide them, but that wasn’t Meagan’s intention. She wasn’t embarrassed
or ashamed of who she was, but others still questioned or judged when they
noticed a scar. They pried and probed about personal experiences that weren’t any
of their business to be nosey about. Then they went quiet after she answered.
That was the worst. Eyes averted and the subject always changed, but not until
a pregnant pause passed between them first.
She absolutely
despised awkward silences that followed a forced explanation.
That’s not how Meagan
liked to open up.
Because that’s what it
was to tell people about what had happened. It was opening herself up for
examination. She had to be vulnerable and share history that wasn’t always easy
to talk about when she was honest about her scars. Trust was needed in order to
be comfortable in giving parts of herself away like that. Otherwise it felt
wrong. But when Meagan was the one to choose on her own to share with
individuals she cared about, it was only when she deemed both parties ready. It
was always better if everyone was ready.
She just preferred to
give the information instead of have it pulled from her. That wasn’t too tough
a concept.
Because sometimes when
it was demanded or requested of her before she was ready, somehow Meagan felt
violated. She loved herself, she was proud of who she was despite what she’d
faced, so she never lied about how she got her scars. Even if she was
unprepared and surprised by the questioning, or reluctant to answer, she always
told the truth. But it felt like betraying herself, violating her own security,
when she gave out the information before she was ready.
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